W.C.A.T.
| A lady at the grocery store was picking through the frozen turkeys, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." |
For the band parents! Speak Up, I Can’t See You You know you’re growing older when: • Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. • The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals. • You feel like the morning after the night before, but you haven’t been anywhere. • Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. • You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. • You sit in a rocking chair, but can’t get it going. • Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t. • Your back goes out more than you do. • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. • The only whistles you get are from your hearing aids. LAWN CARE When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "You might as well sweep the sidewalk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. A Texas Wife Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Nebraska. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from Texas . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher. Married humour... Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
Wife : "Do you want dinner?" Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?" Wife : "Yes and no."
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing." Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap." A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever". The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor". |
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